Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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