I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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