nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
