If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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