he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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