a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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