Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize