2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize