Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
