Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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