The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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