By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
