I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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