when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So vagazzling was a success
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize