EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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