My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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