Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
FUCK WHALES
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
