mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You are the jesus of drinking
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
