Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
