In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
