I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
