I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
