You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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