I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
