I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize