We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
