I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
