Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I AM VODKA MAN
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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