im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
