can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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