i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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