Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
