She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
