the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
