you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
