What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
