so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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