cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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