Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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