Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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