Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
