in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize