I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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