oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
