I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
