I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
not ubering you a puppy
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
