watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
