Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
