I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
