i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
