ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Randomize
