you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
