drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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