During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
