Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
