I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
