your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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