For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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